Wow, God is incredible. I’m going to just brag about Him a little bit cause He deserves all the praise (I mean He kinda created the universe and all). But, seriously, I’m just in awe of Him right now. My mind cannot fathom how He can love someone so sinful as I and completely wipe out my sins, even when I can’t seem to let some of them go. A year ago I would have never thought I’d be where I am today. God has worked in me in so many ways. He has broken me over and over again. There had been so many days that I didn’t want to face. I felt incredibly alone and lost. I used to feel that God was abandoning me in those periods. But, God had a pretty amazing way of drawing me closer to Him. A strong desire for a Godly man led me to Him. I have prayed over a year for a certain man in particular. And in this past year I have been more intimate with God than I’ve ever been. My faith and patience have been tested to the max. In June I became fully confident that I will marry this man one day. Not from my own instincts, but from spoken word and answered prayers. Because this man has a girlfriend, many would say my situation is hopeless. But, with faith, I 100% believe with all of my heart that he will be my husband. God will work everything out in His time. Little by little He has been opening doors this year. In a few days God is going to be opening a HUGE door for me. It’s all so surreal and I’m giddy and nervous and about to bounce off the walls all at once! But what I’m trying to get at with this post is that God can use ugly parts of your life and turn them into something beautiful. He can transform your life if you repent and allow Him to change you. I’ve grown to love Him so much through all of this. I give Him all of the glory for the person I am today and what He has done in my life. Never let anyone shake your faith and always sta y diligent in your prayers. Don’t assume God’s silence automatically means “no.” Sometimes it means “wait.” The most worthwhile things require the most patience ❤
Do you ever desire something so much that your heart aches? But then it’s about to burst with joy knowing that that said something is right around the corner. You can just feel it in every inch of your body. That certainty gives you an overwhelming sense of peace and that, is the most intense feeling.
In one of those seasons of my life that I have a love/hate relationship with. My flesh is resisting to conform to God’s will, while the Spirit is pleading with God to change my selfish heart and become more like Jesus. It’s been back and forth like this for a long while, but I know it will remain this way until the Spirit stifles the pride within me. Feeling frustrated one day, and then at peace the next. So. Many. Feels. But this is all a part of God’s beautiful plan and if that means me breaking a little, I can handle that <3
I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like giving up. How many times I’ve begged and pleaded to God to ease my suffering through hardships. But now I’m realizing how blessed I really am to experience all that I have. I am blessed because I am learning to love God, to trust God, and to know God with all of my heart. And that thought doesn’t make me feel so alone.
God is really funny in how He works, seriously. I have prayed recently for Him to help me to love others like the way He loves us because I lack in that area so much. I am selfish and have a hard time controlling my temper at home with my family. So what does God do? He is giving me people who constantly need my help, He is giving me people who annoy me, and is keeping me busy so that I’m burnt out by the end of the day. God is so faithful though and He disciplines those He loves so that they can grow. Sometimes I get so excited just at the thought of how God is going to use me with all of this. I know in my heart that God is preparing me for something so great. Not for my benefit, but to glorify Him. And I can just picture in my mind all of the desires of my heart being fulfilled. Right now, I am leaning so much on God that my desires pale in comparison. I’m glad I’m FINALLY getting to the point where Jesus is enough to satisfy me. Seek God earnestly and He will seek you.
Not too long ago, I saw a guy I grew up with at church camp when I was at a ladies rally. His dad is a preacher at the church where the rally was at. His family is realllly involved in the church, so he was there watching the kids in the nursery. I haven’t seen him in a while, but would occasionally see him a few times here and there the last few years. I always thought he was cute and we actually had crushes on each other way back in the day when we were youngins! Over the years though I kinda forgot about him and thought he was out of my league because of insecurity. When I saw him recently, I was just blown away by how attractive he is. It is a rarity that a guy will actually take my breath away. It wasn’t just his looks that drew me to him, but also how he sacrificed his time to help serve at a ladies rally. Needless to say, I went back to that church a few nights later because there was a revival going on. Sure enough, he was on stage playing the guitar and leading the worship service. I about melted on the floor. I had told my mom recently that what I desire in a husband is a Godly leader with a heart for God, a musician, a man who loves kids, and a man that shares my same beliefs on scripture. My mom had also been praying that a Godly man would come into my life shortly after I ended it with my ex. So, with all of that put into perspective, it seems like my encounters with him haven’t been a coincidence. I prayed for peace and wisdom about the whole situation and have tried not to interject my selfish desires into my prayers, but instead asked for God’s will to be done. For some reason, I feel that this time everything is different. Before with my ex, I really wasn’t seeking God’s will, but seeking my own instead. I was naive and ignorant. Most importantly, I would always ignore the convictions from the Holy Spirit telling me that something was not right. It seems crazy, but I believe God has shown me my husband. God knows the desires of my heart and they were all displayed in him. Pretty odd, but I believe in the power of prayer and faith. All I know is that if I continue putting God first in my life, He WILL be faithful in providing me with a Godly husband. Scripture promises that :) Psalm 37:4 - “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” <3
So my ex boyfriend/fiance and I talked the other night, which doesn’t happen very often anymore. We talked about what God’s been doing through the whole situation. He said something really disturbing to me and it’s been replaying in my mind ever since: “I’m just afraid that I’m one of those people who will fall away and never really had true faith to begin with.” UM. Hello? The reason why we’re not together is because he was so “secure” in what he believed and knew that to be the truth. Now he’s questioning his salvation? I know I should be glad that he said that, because he finally might be digging himself out of the misleading calvinist doctrine, but it still made me mad. It really is unbelievable how confusing and frightening that theology is. When you’re questioning your faith and can’t discern if you have “real faith,” that is a problem. Praying for him that he will be led to the truth. Not for my sake, but for his.
Like how does someone go from practically becoming a wife to just nothing in a period of a few months and pretend that everything’s ok? Cause life isn’t ok right now and every day gets more and more challenging. All I can do is hold on to my faith in God with weak hands.
2 and a half years of memories is all I have now. No more nightly phone calls, sweet text messages, holding hands, kisses, or I love yous. At least I can walk away knowing that we gave it everything we had. We loved each other in such an intimate way that most couples will never experience. As tears roll down my face, I try to remind myself that God builds my character the most when I so desperately need Him. I think of Job and how he lost literally everything in his life, but yet he still praised God. I can only hope that this growing process will help me develop an unshakeable faith.
I really can’t wrap my ahead around the fact that there are people in this world that go through life without believing in God. I struggle all of the time with my faith, even though I have the Holy Spirit. It’s just hard to imagine living with no belief and relying on yourself to get through trials. I am so weak without God.